the King of Cups

close up of "Into the Depths" oil on wood in upcycled frame - 48” x 23.5” original sold

I turned over this card and promptly, inexplicably started crying. I didn't even know what the king of cups represented! Looking at this image of a person holding a cup, on a floating stone platform in the ocean, I thought "he is holding emotional space for everyone." And then... "I am holding emotional space for everyone." I had a good cathartic cry.

My mother was in hospice when I pulled the king of cups as my next painting to dive into, and my brother was staying in our driveway in his vanlife van. My son was graduating and moving across the country to start his doctorate. My youngest was moving out after finishing their first year of college. And my husband's job was turning into a torturous grind where he had to choose integrity over making more money. I was feeling old. When I looked in the mirror I didn't recognize myself. Somehow I had miraculously aged wonderfully slowly until last year. But with the care then death of my good friend, and a few years of caring for Dimentia Mom who was going to die soon, sadness had pushed my face toward the earth. My neck made me seem like family to the turkeys that liked to loiter on my roof. I had emotional whiplash.

Each sneaker wave hit me full force, trying to pull me out to sea, grasping at my hems with the gravity and cycles of an insane moon, stinging my eyes. Is that why I cried? I saw the image of the king as a lighthouse, guiding my ship through the storm, holding space.

The king of cups became my guide, my star. Treading water in the ocean, in these waves, was exhausting. I realized I would only survive by diving under the waves, into the depths, letting the current carry me. Feeling the feels but without them depleating me. Feeling the storm above but only in the churn of the waters. I needed to "open myself to this dynamic process of life becoming more of itself. "

The Between the Worlds Podcast spoke to me: "What we do to the material world we do to the emotional and spiritual world as well and visa-vis and that's also the fundamental principle of magic, that there is no separation between spirit, body, and mind. " is not about getting rid of death or suffering but rather "expanding to such a degree spiritually or conceptually, that you recognize that there is no death, that it is all Life and making peace with that process.... that death is just a moment in an ongoing and infinite process of change and transformation.... let go... and open ourselves to this dynamic process of life becoming more of itself. "

It is so tempting to give too much of myself . Letting the king of cups in myself regulate me, hold me,I found I had energy and bandwidth left over for the other things in my life that weren't so dramatic and draining. I could come up for air, and dive down again when rested.

So here I am, deep in the ocean. It's dark but peaceful. I can sit with the king and share a cup of hot tea, and talk about the creatures and truths I see down there each day, as I dive beneath the storm. His advice is always thoughtful though he often just listens. There is no separation between body, spirit, and mind, he says. I am in the depths and I am the depths and I am also here drinking tea with you.

The Empress