5 of Swords

close up from The Battle is Over

"I can easily create an outside enemy to ignore the thing that I'm not willing to confront within myself" -Marcella Kroll

Oye. Another challenging card to pick apart. A gloating man,  self-important sneer on his smug face,  picks up another sword off the battlefield to add to his collection. Two destitute head-hung figures walk away defeated. Which am I? Have I won a battle in my life but at what cost? This is one of those challenging cards, asking us to look at how we deal with conflicts with other humans, or how we are defeated by others, or how we treat ourselves. What are we afraid of and what energy depleting pattern has that fear created? Do we compete unnecessarily with others because of this fear? Do we give up too soon because of it?

This card is like the Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur, the day of atonement. It calls us to look at our battles and either forgive or ask to be forgiven. I found myself questioning every slight conflict I had in my life for fear that I had wronged someone. I checked in on each of these without resolution. Feeling lost, I pulled a clarifying card from the deck and got the eight of cups. What a relief! I needed to walk away, give up the flight. I wasn’t wronging anyone. Or was I? The only battle that was being fought was one with myself. I have had a chronic stress (and genetic) induced irritable bowel disease since I was 12, ulcerative colitis. How could I break the cycles that cause these flare ups? All the emotional turmoil in my system lately has caused my immune system to go  into overdrive and attack myself!  Crying was making it worse as my cortisol levels rose.  I was winning against myself, and thus I was also defeated! Ack! And stuck in the cycle my fear of the disease worsening was making the disease get worse. I could see the five soldiers marching about in my head, but couldn't see the other paths, the doors I might walk through.

I've been learning to hold polarities. Life can be shitty and also beautiful. Sorrow and renewal coexist. I've had polarities thrown in my face so often lately I feel like a clown covered in pity whipped cream pie. I read somewhere that healing will come through releasing mental conflict, choosing peace over pride, and letting go of battles that are draining your energy. You don’t need to win every argument to feel better—you need to reclaim your peace. Clarity, calm, and emotional release will bring your system back into balance. But what image should I then paint? Something like the RWS five of swords? This harsh images doesn’t seem to turn the wheels of one's intuition. Most research I did on this 5 revealed the readers' dislike of the battle scene. But perhaps this is only because we don’t like to look upon the uglier side of our human natures. I found it interesting that in the Thoth decks five of swords, Crowley includes inverted pentagrams, subtle swastikas.  Supposedly this card was painted at the height of nazi germany and there is conjecture that he intended the image to be an anti-natzi spell. But the swastika of Ganesh, which Lady Frida drew in the Thoth deck, holds both conflict and peace, again containing polarities. 

Looking at the RWS image, in this political time we are living in, I could easily imagine painting this card with a ICE agent (or Trump) gloating and hispanic people in the background grieving or an Israeli soldier in the foreground and Palestinian innocents walking away. But I avoided doing this. I wanted this card should to be read-able  throughout time, without any specific historical connotation. The swastikas are subtle in the Thoth image, and perhaps there is a way I can work in a subtle reference to the heart rending conflict in Palestine or to ICE agents taking away my friends who have lived here and had children here for twenty years. Ultimately I have to paint the picture that resonates with my journey and know I selfishly paint it for myself, in hope of breaking free of my own debilitating fear cycles. I can only hope that you, Kind Reader, will find something in this card that lets you heal, that helps you release your fears, or lets you look clearly upon the battles you fight either in life or in your own mind. So the only hint in my painting of this sad political time I'm living through is that the marching figures are soldiers and they carry bayonets, guns with swords. And the ancient Greek statue suggests how we humans do this again and again, and go to fight out of fear. She wrings her hands in prayer for her children, gone to war, that are likely lost to her. 

I have been cleaning out my moms house. I thought nothing of mine was still ensconced there, but a box that I was attempting to retrieve almost fell on my head in the garage. Paraphernalia from my young adult days poured out, including a biography I wrote in art history on MC Escher. Later it sprang to mind as I pictured soldiers marching along cranial stairs, walking along an outdated belief pattern that keeps me on edge, in fear and worry. They are marching up and down simultaneously, just as on an Escher staircase. I was winning and I was defeated. My stair illusions are not so tricksy as good ole MC, because, well, you try and make an image where people march with bayonets on someone's skull line where people are going up and down simultaneously! Ha! But it was intended. And moreover it was FUN to paint! And I need these paintings to be enjoyable, even as they are also difficult. Polarities, I'm telling you, Kind Reader, it's a thing.